Meet the Vice-president

Christmas in China is not really such a big festival and celebration as in the Western world. Some of the shops in Linfen did put out some Christmas decorations, but we reckon it was only to cater for all the foreigners in the city... there's about six of us all together. Every second shop has a santa poster and some other decorations. The question is really what to do on Christmas day as life goes on as usual. I had to teach for four hours in the morning at the Business College.

The Chinese do have some customs that go together with Christmas. One of these customs for instance is the giving of apples. Mmm... i didn't know what this was either until my class explained to me. I was given apples since i walked into the class. I thought this was just them not being able to buy decent gifts, or they thought that i looked hungry, or that i needed to go on a diet!! Well, this is actually a wish of good luck. In China to give someone an apple means that they wish you a safe and peaceful life. Well, i can provide some of the war affected countries with apples now if need be. I also got a nice little Buddha statue from the whole class. It weighs about 10kgs, so not really made for my nomadic lifestyle. I know what will need to stay behind at the airport for my next trip.

The University arranged a meal for us in the evening at this beautiful expensive hotel. The room was laid out with the most expensive materials imaginable. Beautiful big couches on one side, a massive round table on the other side of the room to seat about 25 people, and a red carpet thicker than my mattress. The bathrooms? You feel to bad to pee in the toilets it's all so beautiful!!

So just before the meal we all sat around waiting for more people to arrive. Person after person walked into the room. Relaxing and making good use of the couches is what westerners do best. Then this tall Chinese man walked in, fitted out in black shoes with a big long black overcoat. It was like something out of the movie "Blade". The only difference was that this man was not a black Wesley Snipes. The room went quiet and all the Chinese people stood up. Us westerners for a couple of seconds sat there, and then gathered that this must be an important man. So, we got up. Well, it turned out to be the Vice-president of the University. Titles has never been my strong point, but when president is connected to the title i think it sounds important. He greeted us all in a "Ni hao" and a handshake and it was off to the dining table.

This is something that always happens to me, and i promise i never plan it!! I ended up sitting right next to the big man!! His English is non-existent, but we communicated by the use of hand gestures. I had to check myself on using those chopsticks cause he was very observant on that. The Chinese love their communal eating and combined with this goes a toast(salute, cheers). You find people walking around the table going from person to person, drinking, downing and toasting the night away. When they say the word "gumpay", this means to down. Needles to say we had a couple of those that night. As soon as your glass is empty, the waiter or Lifei or Carson is there to top-up. The beer flew freely and it just so happended that Jess went home with a little too much to drink. For such a big man he is quite a sissy when it comes to beer.

Me, the Vice-president and the Director

Overall, good food, good people and a great Christmas eve in China!

(Linfen, Shanxi Province, China)

Some travel tips and stuff

Today's post is actually something i have written just after my flight to China, but being busy and all, i sort of forgot about it and just yesterday stumbled upon it. It consists of some travel stuff and just "food for thought".

• When talking to a stewardess, a good line to use is, “Is that a Queensland accent I hear?” A bad reply after the “how did you know” reply, is to state that all Australians have a TWWEEAAAKKKK(a very high screeching and irritating sound) in their accent and Queenslanders even more so. Remember, this is the person that will be serving your food and drinks for the rest of the flight. You might just get some unwanted customers in your meal. At the same time the German next to you looks you in the face and says "you really don't want to get laid".
• You know you are heading for China when the food you eat on the plane is not something you have seen or tasted before. Well, you might have seen it before, but that was when it was running around in your house and garden and you called it, “my pet”!
  
• Always have an extra short, shirt or pants on standby on the plane. You never know when the person next to you might just spill his whole glass of red wine over your white chinos (white South African style pants that I will never wear). Dude, if you can hear me… I have said it before and will say it again, "I am sorry!!!"
  
• Always choose an isle seat. You might not have the good view like the person sitting next to the window, but you will always have close access to the toilet. Also, you don’t want to be the idiot that has to wake your neighbor the whole time to go visit the small cubicle. And some stewardesses have nice legs; I gladly exchange the lights outside for this view. I also have a really small bladder and it only takes one latte to fill up the tank.
  
• Weigh your bags at home. It is very annoying to always do some rearranging at the airport. You just see jocks and all flying… not a pretty sight! What about that overweight dude, shouldn’t there be more weight restrictions on his bags/him?
  
• Take someone’s baby with you when checking in, that's if you don’t have your own. You will always be helped sooner at the Business class even though you fly economy.
  
• Always greet the person next to you. Or don't and be uncomfortable for the rest of the flight. It is going to be a long flight!!!
  
• Take a credit card or travelers checks when travelling. You never know if the country you are entering will exchange your foreign currency. You might just end up with a couple of thousand Rand with which you can do absolutely nothing.
  
• When there is a whole 4seater open… go for it. On the plane it is every man and woman for themselves. A 4seater bed is still better than a Business class chair!!
• While checking in your baggage, tell a couple with a baby that you hope you will not be sitting close to them as babies love crying on planes. Only to find yourself sitting right behind them and both of them just giving you a smile.

(Linfen, Shanxi Province, China)

Stay clear of a baby's rear

When i first arrived in this country there was something that caught my attention, but i thought the first time this happened i might have been mistaken. Then as this happened more often and as time went by, i realised this is the way things get done. Literally get done... if you know what i mean.

It happended like this:
I was walking past a shop, minding my own business, Ipod screaming in my ears when out of one of the shops on my right came this mom running with her child in her arms. In front of me was this flowerbed which this lady also now found in front of her. I can tell you one thing, if ever this was a boxing match, then i would have been sitting in the most expensive seat. Yes, ringside seats!! Those seats that when someone gets slammed against the head, droplets of blood makes their way onto your face. Too close for my liking! But here i was, caught between the traffic on my left, shops on my right, and the flowerbed now being turned into a dumping site by a young four year old squatter assisted by his mom. When i talk about the "squatter", i am not implying someone who illegally sets up tent at a random location. No, this is a different kind of squatting. This kind of squatting i would advise you to miss if at all possible! Yes, this young boy was sitting right in front of me taking a poo, and like i said, i had the best view. But this is the way they do it over here. Who said China doesn't have squatters? South Africa isn't the only country with squatting problems!!

Then you will say to me..."but how could you not get away quicker and avoid the whole(asshole) scene?" Well, people in China have very little money. They don't have money to buy diapers so the kids go without. You see, they have a better invention!! When you look at a small child's pants, you will notice that they have a massive big rip right down the middle back part of their pants. This is for quick exit purposes. No time to take your pants down, you just squat and the pants open by themselves. Does that explain me being caught in the action??

Here is another example:
You remember the one day that i sat in the bank for about two hours? Well, here is something that i didn't tell you about that day. While i was sitting on a couch a little boy entered with his mom. This boy was the "whole in the pants" age. He took a seat on the couch next to me to wait for his mom to finish her banking. This seemed to take very long, well it is a Chinese bank. But while i was sitting there on one couch, the boy on the one next to me, he decided to lean to the side. Unfortunately he didn't lean to my side but to the other side. And there it was.... his whole ass hung out of his pants!! The more i tried to look away, the more his ass stared me right in the face. You know those moments when you know you have to look away, but it is as if gravity just pulls you towards this unwanted view?? Well, there i was, staring at the ass and it staring back at me. The only thought that went through my head was "I would like to know who sat on my seat before i arrived... or maybe not".

Last but not least, you never know what you might step into on the street. My good friend Joel, a fellow foreign teacher had the privilege once of stepping into baby poo. His words were more like: "Man!! I stepped into baby shit!!!"

(Linfen, Shanxi Province, China)

Buy this one... how about this one?

I feel so rude that I haven’t introduced my foreign friends to you yet. These are two guys, one is from Canada and the other one is from America and they are both English teachers. We have been doing quite a couple of things together. Things like eating strange food, visiting interesting shops and using public toilets. Yes I had to use a public toilet a couple of times, but you will be relieved to know that it was all number ones. I have not squatted on one of those babies yet. The thought of some unknown guy dropping his pants right next to me, getting into position, this is an experience that will need to wait until I find that special friend who would like to share it with me. Me and these friends don’t have that relationship yet. I think they will both agree!!

The two friends are Jess, and Joel. Jess is from Canada. He is around 1,90m tall and weighs in at about 115-120kg (All depends on how much chicken popcorn we eat). Joel is from America. Joel on the other hand is a little shorter than your local Chinese and likes swearing. This is truly a scene when we all decide to go into the streets of Linfen together. You have people staring out their shops, constantly walking out of their shops and some almost making accidents to see this phenomenon. Joel decided that he wanted to buy himself a freestyle bmx, partly to do stunts, but I also think to make up for some of his shortcomings. He would look pretty big on a small bmx made for a 9year old.

Assisting us today in the purchase of this bike is another Chinese friend whose name is Carson. Carson is a great guy and he is officially in charge to help with everything that the foreign teachers need to purchase. From jocks, to water, to Wii’s to televisions, anything you can think off. He is also the man with the contacts and knows where to find the good deals. Today he finds himself in the position of the haggler. He is the only one that can say more than the local “Ni hao”. The other two boys aren’t too bad when it comes to speaking Chinese. They both have Chinese girlfriends and seem to learn a thing or two from them.

After running in and out of a couple of bike stores we eventually find what we are after. It is a big shop with a lot of variety. The shop owner’s son starts showing Joel around. Carson haggling at the best of his ability. The shop owner has turned into the local paparazzi and me and Jess duck and dive to stay out of the camera lens. We look like two convicts ready for trial, hoodies and all. After some bargaining and pointing Joel decides to take a bike for a test drive. Outside the shop, groups of people start gathering around to see this white man do some tricks. Did I mention that Joel hasn’t been on one of those bikes for about ten years? I decided to get the focus off me and made my way to the back of the group. After Joel tried his luck with no results, it was Jess who took on the challenge. “Man, am I glad there’s no attention on me”. I don't know who was more embarrassed, the two idiots on the bike, or me... for the two idiots on the bike??

Remind me not to go bike shopping with those two again!! The shop owner on the other hand was ecstatic about his clientele. He even took a couple of group photos with all us boys and his sons. This one will go on his wall saying, “The day we had a good laugh at those whities… and the shy one in the back”. You can call it shy… but I will call it smart!!

(Linfen, Shanxi Province, China)

Cigarettes: the local currency

Today we have the great privilege to be visiting one of the less liked places in Linfen. And i am not talking about public toilets!! This is the headquarters of Linfen police. Not only that, but this is also the place that decides if i stay or go. Before we continue, just a couple of things to remember when going to apply for a visa or permit. Always have sufficient money with you. Always have the correct paperwork, letters of recommendation, bank statements and of course your passport. And last but not least, a couple of ID photos. Preferably black and white and also colour photos.... the requirements often change?? But there is one more thing you need to remember in China... a packet of cigarettes. Even if you don't smoke, this is the day you do!!

With all the necessary paperwork me and my friend Lifei head towards this monstrous building. This building is a work of art!! It is fairly new and inside it looks more like the foyer of a luxurious hotel. Upon entering you almost find yourself waiting for the porter to assist you with all your luggage. Something makes you think the police in this country have too much money. Well, with a bit of corruption anything is possible. With the biggest coal mines in China being in Linfen, thus the reason for all the pollution, you are bound to find some thick envelopes being passed under the table by some big illegal coal miners. But, it is not coal we are after and the only thick envelope we have is the one with all my paperwork.

Behind the desk we find this older man, the kind that is just there for the money. He is really not too happy to be there. "Neither am i" i think to myself. Without him making any eye contact we take a seat in front of his desk. At the desk next to his there is another older man sitting in front of his computer playing solitaire. My friend Lifei extends himself over the desk and kindly offers the deskman(the guy behind the desk) a cigarette. The deskman receives it well, Lifei lights the cigarette and the deskman starts punching some numbers and letters into his computer, cigarette hanging out the side of his mouth similar to the mafia. Lifei also offers a cigarette to the solitaire man, but he is not interested... too distracted by his game of solitaire.

Me sitting there looking around and counting teeth. The deskman every now and again asking us some trick question in Chinese while me and Lifei figure out what the right answer will be. Me and Lifei started talking about life, dreams and taking pension. He pokes me in the side and with a humorous smile says to me "he should be on pension already". Good thing the deskman couldn't understand any English, or so we hope!! With some more punching of the keyboard and a couple of cigarettes offered by Lifei, our work is done. Now for the wait!!

Hopefully the cigarettes paid off... the only question i now have is how far can we go with a whole packet of 20 cigarettes. And then of course a box?? These might just need to remain speculation.
(Linfen, Shanxi Province, China)

It's not how much you have

So remember how i was talking about the Blue Ribbon and the back door?? Well, Christmas has passed and i have not opened my gift yet. But i have started removing some of the Blue Ribbon.

Here is the story:
It all comes down to the point that i need to extend my visa for another month before i can apply for my next visa, which will give me the magical powers to stay in China for a year or so! I know, complicated, but this is the task at hand. It becomes even more interesting with all the Red Tape! It is truly an art to extend your visa, this should only be done by the greatest of artists. But, i have the crayons and the clay out and decided to start working on this masterpiece.

First we need to go to the bank to open a bank account. Mmm.. i am almost dreading this after my last experience transferring some money. Unfortunately it is proof of funds that i need to show for the extention. They want to make sure i don't become a charity case in this country.
Proof of funds..... this might be another problem!! Funds?? That was my plane ticket!! I can see this is going to be an adventurous experience. It is almost like running for a train in London. You can hear the commotion of the train approaching. The only problem is that you are about 200meters away, fighting people down the escalator. You hear the train stop at the platform... you run faster!! Now the people exiting the train starts blocking the way!! You shove and push yourself through the smallest gaps that you can find, forcing your body into postions it was never created to be in. Then you hear the most dreadful sound over the train speakers "Please mind the doors". With the doors closing in your face all you can do is sit down and wait for the next train. But you see, sometimes someone within the train will keep the door jammed with a foot or hand, just to wait for you to enter. This will be a case of jamming the doors, only question is... who is the person inside the train?

My great help and friend Lifei once again assists me into the streets of Linfen. Today we have the biggest task at hand yet. Opening a bank account with a tourist visa, with money that i don't have!! We enter the first bank and there is a ray of hope. We start queing in a line of 10 people. Service in these banks are not the best. Eventually we get to the front. After some strong Chinese words being spoken by my friend Lifei, we realise how difficult this will be. To open a bank account you need a Chinese ID, which they give to foreigners if they have work permits. We set off to the next bank only to get shot down once again. Running between the banks and the office, brainstorming every single option, someone somewhere saw these guys running for the train and decided to jam the door open.

With some people knowing some people, that know some people, i managed to open a bank account with about 20 000Yuan. This is a miracle all by itself. You will understand this when i say that to open a bank account in this country, you need more than just a travel visa and a pretty face. My passport was admired by the bank staff. I think they made extra copies of my photo to take home, just to have proof that they helped a white man!! I would not have been able to do this without some great influential people around me.

Tomorrow we will face the giants in the police station who will eventually be the people that decide if i stay... or go.

(Linfen, Shanxi Province, China)

850+1 vs. four walls, a phone and a laptop

Today i decided to write about something totally different! You see, for the last two years of my life i had many questions that people asked me, and i believe at last i have uncovered some of the answers to these questions i had often asked myself.

It all started when i attended a religious institution with the aim of becoming a pastor. I finished my studies and was offered this great job at a branch of this religious institution in London. So i took the job with the thought of this being my dream job. I wanted to work at this institution and represent the Big Man with everything inside of me. It only took me a couple of months to realise that i hated this job. I was surrounded by four walls, a phone and a laptop. I could make as many calls as i wanted and this was all part of the job. Maybe some people's dream job? But i realised this place was not for me, it was running me dry and suffocating my soul. That is when i got out!!

This year i decided to come to China to maybe find something that went lost along the way. Questions being asked like "did you uproot yourself or were you called to go to China?", "how can you study to become a pastor and then don't want to do the job?" These were some of the questions that i received well from some more religious believers. Then last night i was asked those questions for the last time. Probably not the last time, but something changed and the truth revealed itself. The lights went on inside my head. It was like one of those cartoons when someone is busy thinking and the bulb starts shining. So i decided to put this on paper, or electronic paper for people to view! This will save me the constant explanation.

So.... here we go....
Every week i speak to an audience of 850+1 non-believers. The 1 being the son of my director whom i see as a privilege to teach. I am able to speak to them and form relationships with them, compared to endless phone calls driving me mad!! Am i in this country in the capacity of a missionary...? NO, do i see myself as a missionary in this country...? No!! Does calling myself something make me anymore that thing, if i am not that? If i call myself and idiot, does that make me an idiot, even if those around me know that i am not one? Does calling myself a missionary make me any more, or less, a representative for the Big Man, that i already am? What about calling myself a pastor? Am i not still the same person with or without the title? On the contrary, i see myself so much more in a pastoral position than i ever had answering the phone, working as a pastor for the religious institution! Titles are just that... "titles". I was called to serve people, and at this moment in China is where i find myself serving. Will i be doing this forever?? Probably not...will i wait for this voice from the sky to move me on?? Probably not...will i wait for the voice to tell me to take a poo?? Probably not! I think if the Big Man wanted us all to do that, He would have called us all Pinochio and kept the strings attached.

When it comes down to the drawing board, the question is.... "who are you?" Does only being annointed with a title give you that calling? If yes, then they can stuff it where it belongs!! The Big Man i serve is so much more generous than that!! He doesn't wait for the blessing of man... He has blessed the man!! So, go out and serve!!


--Too my sister Magdaleen who is also a comrade in this battle.--

One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter,
One man's rebel is another man's Martin Luther.

(Linfen, Shanxi Province, China)

Red tape & Blue ribbon

For someone that has traveled a bit, it comes as no surprise that somewhere along the journey there are always some bureaucracy. Yip, imagine if you will... some Red tape. Now, this is not the kind of red tape that you cut with the opening of a new store. No, rather this is that kind of red tape that closes the shop. The Health inspector isn't too happy, so they lock all the doors and put some red tape up so that people can't enter. It is almost like a murder scene, the only difference is the colour of the tape. So, like i said it comes as no surprise that i am facing some... Red tape! The kind that locks the doors. The problem comes when you realise that you are standing outside where it is -13c.

One thing that i have learned through all my travels and organising visas, permits, etc. is that there is always a back door. Yip, not an illegal way, just another option!! This option usually takes a bit more time to reveal its true colours, but i assure you it is there. It is like this great big gift under your Christmas tree. You can't wait to open it, but you know that you need to wait till midnight. This is where i find myself at the moment. I can see the gift, it is enormous and has some colourful paper wrapped around it with some Blue ribbon keeping it all together. If only i could open it now. If only i could rip off the Blue ribbon and discover the gift inside. If only i could see what is hidden underneath all the Blue ribbon. But no, you have to wait until midnight!!!

I see this package as a "package of Hope". Underneath the Blue ribbon lies the answer, the other option, or the back door if you will. The package comes in strange forms and sizes. Sometimes it comes in the form of a misread document, other times it comes in the form of a sweet old lady(This time i call her Director). The latter is the form that the package is currently coming in. A sweet old lady with the right contacts! All i can do now is to hang around, wait for midnight, and see what is underneath the Blue ribbon. Hopefully this old lady has some good magic up her sleeve. She might just pull the rabbit out of the hat!

Would you like to know what i found underneath the Blue ribbon? Well, sorry but you will have to wait until midnight!!

If you didn't understand anything i wrote, speak to my secretary!!

(Linfen, Shanxi Province, China)

Lost in Translation in Linfen.

You remember that i did a medical test a couple of weeks ago? Well, i still had to pay my agent the money back and at last i had some money. This transfer of money had to be by bank as my agent is living in another city. "Well, how difficult can this be" i thought to myself? I arranged for my friend and translator, Victor to assist me to the bank in doing this transfer. As always everyone want to hang around the foreigner and i have become quite accustomed to this. So the knock on my door and around 4-5 Asian faces staring at me doesn't surprise me anymore. This day was no different than any other. Me and my 5 guides, translators, friends, assistants whatever you want to call them set off for the bank.

The previous day we tried to deposit the money at a branch of the same bank closer to where i live, only to find you cannot make any deposits there, only withdrawals. That should have been a warning sign if any!! On our way to the bank i select the leader of the pack to lead us. If i don't do this they all want to go different directions and i get confused. They all want to walk next to me, and i only have two sides, so it is a constant game of musical chairs around me. They are all good guys though and i really like them.

Entering the bank we are off to a good start. The tellers are all open. "This will be quick" says the voice in my head. Well, have i said anything about the bureaucracy? There are only red tape in this place! I have Chinese people asking me about Chinese names and the written Characters etc. Did i say yet that i don't speak, write or understand any Chinese? Mmm... I will just say that to deposit money in the bank on that day took me and 5 other Chinese guys 2hours. To make things even better, we had Chinese people translating for Chinese people. Sometimes i think these people don't really understand each other!

(Linfen, Shanxi Province, China)

Chinese whispers is not Chinese!!

I have started teaching some English classes, but i think you can rather call it speaking English classes. What you will find when it comes to Chinese students, they are really good with written English. Due to them having such a complex language, i think they find English rather easy. Sad to say that their spelling is better than mine i sometimes find. I constantly have to check myself, my spelling etc. before i write something on the board for public view. Good thing my laptop has a spell checker and dictionary... you never know what spelling they might walk out with. Most of the time all we do in class is speak, work on pronunciation and intonation. If some of you don't know what these big words mean, i learned them in China!!

Every day there are these moments where it is just me and about five female teachers in an office, and i find it my duty to entertain them. These ladies work long hours!! Me being a foreign teacher just walk in, say a couple of things in English and the students love me. If the students don't like me, then i just throw in a couple of Afrikaans words and if that doesn't work a couple of Spanish words. After that i am like a god!! These poor ladies need to work a bit harder for the students to like them.

One of my classes i teach is at a business college. So i decided to teach some leadership skills, seeing as i spent 2 years in a Leadership College. Communication being a skill, especially for woman, i decided to go for.... wait for it.... Chinese whispers!! Yip, a game that was invented in China. How can i go wrong?? Maybe we are mistaken to think that this game is actually Chinese?? So i started to break the students up in a couple of groups and started spreading the word around. Maybe the Chinese don't understand the concept of whispering?? The word was spread all right. I don't need to explain to you that the game didn't last long, i am pretty sure if you listened closely you could hear them!

So much for Chinese whispers! I think we will need to work on a new name for that game. Maybe something like "Chinese don't whisper!"

(Linfen, Shanxi Province, China)

Being regular is pretty... regular.

Today was a day of sightseeing for me. I heard about this big market somewhere in town, so this is where i found myself heading after a couple of minutes walking. It seems like the community have made peace with this white face in their midst, though you can still feel people staring every so often. I have made it my task to greet those staring in a good Chinese "Ni hao" which means "how are you" and "I am good" at the same time, i think? But this is what i do! All you see then is a smile and some of them even greeting back with an english "Hallo" or "Hello". This is as far as our communication goes.

I have found that there is a cafeteria on campus and actually very close to my apartment. This has become my local eating place. But, today i was late for lunch and by the time i arrived they had already put all the food away and cleaned all the tables. Well, just another reason to venture into this city. Like i said Linfen is a great, big, polluted city! I have been told that for China it is one of the smaller cities and with a population of 400 000 people, this city is not really that small!! Still on my way towards the market i become really hungry. "Well, nothing as good as a street vendor" i think to myself!! The first vendor i see sells this strange kind of fruit on a skewer. Almost like an apple covered with candy, but the fruit are much smaller than an apple. I think the fruit on this skewer could have been figs. With some hand gestures me and the vendor communicate and the skewer gets sold for 1Yuan. With a smile and a Chinese "xie xie", "thank you" in English, i set off towards the market. Little did i think of the repercussions figs have on the body!!

I reached the market in good time only to find the biggest market/vendor/car repair/hairdresser/pet shop/etc. etc. place that you have ever seen! These people have their own type of Wal Mart(don't know the correct spelling) or for the South Africans, an OK or a Game! Did i mention on the way i stopped at another vendor for some spunge cake and something filled with cream? Walking through this market and admiring all the strange shops and all the rubbish that people sell and buy, i could feel something brewing in my stomach! Me, using a public toilet? Not a chance!!! It is here that i realise i am... well, you can't call it lost because i know i am in Linfen city. Maybe you could say that i just slightly lost my direction? Whatever works for you. But i knew that i needed to make my way home as quick as i can! Whatever was brewing in my stomach, parental guidance is advised.

How do you ask for directions in China if you don't know where you actually live? I don't have a mobile phone yet, and whom will i call? All this you can probably work on, but i think my biggest problem was the language barrier. It is like having this Great Big Wall of China right between me and all the local people. You can see the predicament! Walking from corner to corner, my stomach doing tumbles like a big load of washing. To think of it, it almost sounded like it as well. Eventually i found my way, and bargaining with my stomach to make it home. I reach home with sweat running down my face, and the rest is history. One thing you need to know in China, being regular is regular, so no worries! If you ever have any trouble, just have some candy covered figs.

(Linfen, Shanxi Province, China)

60 bed compartment

It is once again time to travel. This time i am traveling from Shijiazhuang to Linfen. Linfen is known in China as being the most polluted city in the whole of the world. What am i letting myself into is the question constantly on my mind. Well, i am sure we all need to experience the most polluted place sometime. I am up at 4 in the morning as there are a couple of things i need to do and then drive down to the train station. You never know how long a trip can take you anywhere due to all the road rules(There are none, but one, "Stay alive"). My host Victor bought my ticket in advance, so no worries to purchase a ticket that time of the morning. Still struggling to get money from the bank, as a transfer between South African banks can take some time. So this morning i run from bank to bank to withdraw some money with no luck, only later to find that i have been using the wrong card.

We arrive at the train station in good time, but to get through the crowd is a job i am not succeeding at yet. Fighting your way through the crowd means picking the weakest and oldest and pushing and shoving till they give way. In a crowd like this there are no policy apart from equality. And it is all about capitalism! Eventually i reach my platform with seconds to spare. At this time i had enough of all my luggage and decide on the spot to make away with some of my belongings for the next trip. My coach is on the furthest side of the platform. While i am running towards it, Chinese conductors ask for my ticket to make sure i am heading in the right direction. Dodging the crowd i reach my coach. I enter the coach with a big cloud of smoke hanging down to my shoulders. "This has to be the smoking room" i think to myself. My eyes start focusing only to realise this coach is one big compartment with 60 bunk beds. This will be my home for the next 12 hours.

This is another day of fasting for me as i know the state of the toilets in these places. My food for the day is a banana and a 500ml bottle of water. Not visiting the toilet for someone with a bladder the size of a medium sized latte is a miracle all by itself. I don't even try to question if the blankets on my bed has been used or not. I just take of my shoes, put all my precious belongings beside me on the bed and get ready for a long sleep. A young man opposite me has the worst case of a sinus infection as he snores, snorts and spit the whole journey. It is here that my ipod comes in handy. Earphones in, i blast the speakers to avoid any other noise or sounds from entering.

I arrive at Linfen alive with all my belongings still belonging to me. Is it just growing up in Africa that makes me guard all my belongings? Or the fact that my dad's vehicle almost got stolen the day of my flight to Beijing. This is the same vehicle that had to take me to the airport. Fighting my way out the station i quickly realise this place is cold. It is 6 o'clock in the evening and about 3 degrees. While fighting my way through the crowd to exit the station, i shiver and pray for a warm room on the other side of this human stampede.

Thank goodness my host is awaiting me. His name is Lifei and he will be my host/employer/right hand for the next month. He also brought a classmate along whose name is also Victor. Getting a taxi in this town is not an easy task. Lifei jumps ahead of some older people to arrange us a quick exit. I can't be bothered! I am cold and need to get out of this weather. We reach our destination. This is Shanxi Normal University. After putting my baggage in a neighbours house we make our way down to the restaurant where some nice Chinese food awaits us.

Me, the host and his friend(now my friend as well) spend the night talking about cultures, school, english, politics and whatever else comes to mind.

(Linfen, Shanxi Province, China)

Hell is a toilet in China

Have you ever entered a place, and then the smell repelled you? Well, imagine if you will a movie scene where the actor is just about to open a door, but you know there is a bomb on the otherside of the door..... can you see him open the door and getting thrown against the wall opposite by the blast? Well, just a hint as to using toilets on Chinese trains and visiting public toilets. The smell in these places might have the same effect on you! It was my first time to enter this "home of the Demon" you could call it. The toilet was in the floor, and you need to know your story when squatting or you could get it all over your trousers. The floor, mmm... how can i put it... someone left their guts just next to where i had to squat. Needless to say, i didn't even try it on this hole(toilet) in the ground. It was right there and then i stopped drinking and eating on the train. Just the thought of me even walking past that place again... i will spare you the detail!

It was my first day in open wildlife, well here it is just called life. And i was on my way to the Government hospital where medical test was the purpose of my day. I had a new guide and her name was Amy. She was a nice girl, i would say around the age of 23 and it was her job not to get me lost. So we headed down the streets of Shijiazhuang. I realised for her this was a novelty, walking down the street with a young white male. I have to add, the locals made this pretty obvious. I now know what a Supermodel must feel like walking down the road... people staring and she knowing "I am so beautiful". I quickly started to act like the Presidential candidate i am, head up and looking around making eye contact with the locals. Let me inform you, this ritual never stops. Where there are people, they stare and whisper in the ears of their neighbour.

The hospital is clean. Inside people are wearing white coats, still staring at this white fellow in their neighbourhood. My guide says a couple of things in Chinese, hand over the money and my passport and the tests begin. First they take a blood sample. This i have done before as i am a frequent donor. The nurse gives me a small cup and asks for a monster(urine sample offcourse). So heading to the toilets. In the middle of the bathroom is this man squatting... he is in for a faeces sample i guess. Got out of there as soon as i could, before it got messy. Working our way through the rooms and different tests, we chose the least busy rooms first. My guide must have done this many times before as she knew this place like the palm of her hand. The last test was an ultrasound test where you had to get your shirt off and lie on a bed. Here they checked that all your organs are in a good condition. The door was closed but me and my guide, "God bless her" barged through the door only to find a topless lady being examined by one of the nurses. All of a sudden the closed door made a lot of sense. I don't know who got out of there first? My guide with her red face, or me with a grin and red face??

After losing our way for a couple of minutes and a lot of staring by the locals, we find our way back to our bus stop for the journey back home.

(Shijiazhuang, Hebei Province, China)

China

After a long flight from South Africa and a stopover in Dubai, i have eventually arrived at my home for the next year, or so. The beautiful country of China!! Mmm... and then through enlightenment i realised that...well, i don't understand these people and vice versa. What a journey i am in for!!! In all the countries i have lived and traveled through, this is by far the biggest culture shock i have ever gone through. Partly also because i only realised at customs that China has no trade currency for South African Rands. You can try your luck on the black market, but the chances of the average Chinese visiting South Africa is very slim. So here i am, it is 23:00 at Beijing Airport. The money i have with me is useless and only to realise the person picking me up, i will only see the next morning at 10:00. If ever visiting Beijing Airport... take blankets or thermal undies!!
The Chinese are LOUD!!!! You can try and put in a couple of minutes sleep, but be aware there's bound to come through a group of bustling Chinese. Thank God for a Macdonald's and also an overpriced Starbucks at the airport, one latte can set you back the price of four local meals!! Oh yes and be gladfull for Credit Cards, even though it is only a student Credit Card with a limit of R200.

After being picked up two hours late i jump the first bus, only to realise that my guide has been at the Airport since 10:00 but has been too shy to come up and talk to me. How's that for the LOUD Chinese!!! So here's me and my shy guide on a bus heading for the train station. It is a good thing he is not shy at his own people... i can still see myself doing another night on the Airport.

Have i said anything about the traffic yet?? Well, in China there is one rule for all drivers..."At all times avoid accidents, therefore at all times honk your horn and drive like a maniac" The traffic is truly crazy and here you look, left, right, left, right, left, right incessantly.
Reaching the bus stop we jumped for a taxi as there are no such things as qeues(how do you spell that word?). We set the road with a crazy taxi driver and we have 15 minutes before my train leaves, thanks to the shy guide!! The train station is satiated by people and outside two drivers are cussing and swearing in Mandarin at each other for causing an accident.

There's no time to waste, i need to catch this train and get out of this place. My guide makes quick work of buying my ticket, i am eventually satisfied with the services he rendered. One last thing he says to me, "platform street". Well ok then, surely this is the name of the platform i need to catch my train. With five minutes left i need to get on this train. If ever traveling in China, "street" in Chinglish is actually "3". Good thing it didn't take me too long to figure this out.

The train, i could write a book on this one thing alone. Trains are dirty!! People walk by and spit on the ground etc. No wonder they take their shoes off when entering their home. They have very dirty ground. I will not touch the soles of my shoes even with a shovel! CULTURE SHOCK, CULTURE SHOCK!!
Arrived at Shijiazhuang a couple of hours later with my host waiting at the station exit. Exiting feels more like you are in a narrow passage with bulls ramming at your back. These people want to go places, and fast!

My host's name is Victor and he has some English happening. The first night he takes me out with a couple of friends of his, and we drink strange and strong alcohol till late at night. And eat, man did we eat!! Good thing i have some experience with chopsticks... won then over in no time!

Now it is off to bed, knowing that tomorrow i have to go for a medical!!

(Shijiazhuang, Hebei Province, China)